Yumichika's Birthday Party
by LUNAticX
Summary: It's that time of the year again, and Rangiku's got something up her sleeve. What could possibly go wrong? Rated T to be safe. Oneshot once upon a time, but now a twoshot.
1. Party planning gone obviously wrong

**I've written this just for fun, and I'd say I quite like it. I'm making it a one-shot because it's really my first time writing anything. The setting is set in the Real World, after the Winter War, and the Shinigami are taking a well-deserved vacation. Ukitake's with them because he can, and he's awesome. xD I don't really know what drove me to write this. **

**Warning: Crackfic**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, obviously, and I never will. Unfortunately.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"TAICHO~! Taicho? Taicho-Taicho-Taicho-Taicho-TAIIIIICHOOOOOOO!"<p>

Gritting his teeth, Hitsugaya spun around and demanded, "What do you want this time, Matsumoto?"

In a loud whisper (she's not very good at whispering), Rangiku said, "It's Yumichika's birthday!"

Hitsugaya scratched the back of his leg with his other foot. "And I should care why?" he asked, his expression of the purest boredom.

The busty blond leaned back, mock shock covering her face. "Why, Taicho, I didn't know you cared so little! Well," she continued not giving him a chance to explain himself, "I've already started on the decorations, and Ikkaku and Renji are out distracting him."

"Again," he said, "why should I care?"

"Because!" Rangiku insisted, becoming impatient. "Ikkaku and Renji are out there risking limb, dignity and pride!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Hitsugaya demanded, shaking his head loose of her illogical-ness.

"Yumichika wouldn't go out for just anything," the blond continued, treating her captain as if he were dumb. She paused for dramatic effect.

Hitsugaya leaned forward, arms crossed, anticipating her answer. "And…?"

"They're at a fashion show, duh!"

He leaned back again. Huh. He really didn't see that coming. Did he get all worked up for this?

"So what?" he said, his face remaining passive.

Rangiku sighed exasperatedly, as if she were talking to a very stupid child. "Taicho," she said slowly, breaking down the words for him, "Yumichika. Fashion show. Bishonen. Ikkaku. Straight. Renji. Straight. Hell breaks loose."

Hitsugaya paled.

"Uh huh, yeah," Rangiku went on to say, nodding. "Can you imagine two straight guys at a fashion show? Well, at least I think Ikkaku is straight. I don't know about Renji…" She trailed off, going into her own little land.

Toshiro snapped his fingers in front of her face, hoping to bring his lieutenant back to reality. "Matsumoto. Hello?" Her eyes retained its focus once more. "Look," he said, huffing, "I don't really care for this type of thing. I get the fact that they're making an effort so that you can plan a party—or whatever it is you're doing, but there's no way you're bringing me into this."

He shut his eyes, indignant.

But all Rangiku did was smile. He said he didn't want anything to do with it. Oh, but he was getting something coming. She was going to give him the exact _opposite_.

He opened an eye. He really didn't like that smile of hers.

And there was no way Rangiku was going to let her little captain get his way.

* * *

><p>"I'd rather get stuck in a room filled with 4th division pansies," Ikkaku said, grimacing as he watched model after model strut down the aisle, striking a pose, and then strutting back.<p>

"Unfortunately," Renji said with an identical expression on his face, "that's exactly where you are."

"Shit," Ikkaku simply said.

The two turned their heads to their right.

Yumichika sat, his eyes filled with sparkles as he watched, like an overexcited school girl, the fashion show. He was in heaven. There was no way in hell he was going to leave this place. It was so nice of his friends to take him here.

On his birthday, no less!

Renji sank deep into his seat, trying to avoid the stares he and Ikkaku were getting for the past hour.

"We're so going to get Rangiku back for this."

"Hell yeah," Ikkaku agreed. He looked at Yumichika again, and shuddered. "Even if it's for a birthday."

"Imagine if our captains finds out about this," the redhead whimpered. "We're done for!"

"Taicho will probably cut my arm off for disobeying the code of conduct of the 11th," Ikkaku said, eyes wide.

"Taicho will probably give me a four hour lecture on why stooping to a peasant's level is bad moral for the division," Renji groaned, palming his face.

It was then the two Shinigami shared a look. A look so full of understanding, it was scary. They nodded once, and said together,

"Not a word."

* * *

><p>"I hate you," Toshiro said to Rangiku as he was unwillingly strapped to the ceiling.<p>

"You've said that already," Matsumoto said, looking sheepish. "I get it already, Taicho."

"No you don't," he said. "That's why I need to drive it into your skull."

"I'm sorry, all right?" she said. "Please, just do this for Yumichika. Do this for me. Do this for everyone." She placed her hands together and begged. "It would be _soo_ nice of you if you did! It will make everyone happy."

He rolled his eyes. "It's not like I have a choice anymore. I can't get out of this duct-tape."

"Yay!" Rangiku squealed clapping her hands together. Hitsugaya was glad that it wasn't Yachiru taping him to the ceiling. "You're the best, Taicho! Did I mention you are the best captain ever?"

"Rangiku," he said.

"Hm?"

"I'm your _only_ captain."

"Ah."

"And you've said the same thing in the same sentence."

"Oh."

"Get me out of this. Seriously," he said, struggling against his bindings, "what's the point?"

Rangiku pouted. "Well, you have to hold up the decorations for me so I can measure its length. You said your arm was getting tired, so I decided to tie to the ceiling so you wouldn't have to hold it up and tire your arm!"

"And that's the best you came up with," he said.

"Yep!" she nodded enthusiastically.

"You need to get a hobby," Hitsugaya said, slapping his forehead. At least, he tried to. His hands were practically immobile at the moment.

Rangiku frowned, not getting his point. "Well, hold this!" She stuffed a streamer into his hand. "Hold it steady!"

"Why couldn't you have tied the streamer to the ceiling instead of me?" he asked, trying to grab hold of the decoration as it slipped through his fingers. "This is completely inefficient."

His lieutenant gave him that look again, the one that was meant for little, retarded children. "Silly, silly Taicho. If I tied the _streamer_ to the ceiling, I'd have to go back and forth to readjust it. With you, I can just tell you to move it whichever way without me having to move at all!"

"Well, that's a funny thing," he said, nodding to himself. "You see, Rangiku, that wouldn't really work because—if you haven't noticed—I CAN'T MOVE AT ALL!" he yelled, emphasizing by wiggling his hand, which barely moved anyway, which is, technically, his point.

Matsumoto just sighed. "Ah, Taicho. You still don't get it."

"What am I not supposed to get?" he demanded. "First you blackmail me into helping you, then you give this ridiculous idea, then you force me onto the ceiling, then you _tie_ me to the ceiling, then you shove idiotic ideas down my throat even though all I had to do was get out of my gigai and stand on _air_ and hold the dumb decoration for you, and you're just standing there watching me and acting stupid to everything when-!—This was all part of your plan, wasn't it," he said in a flat tone, finishing his rant.

The blond smiled sweetly, sighing. "So you really are genius. Though, it was about time you realized."

"Why am I still _here_?" he demanded, ignoring the fact that he had been played for a fool.

"Because I'm the one with all the sharp instruments, and you're tied to the ceiling," Rangiku pointed out.

"I hate you," he said. "I hate you _so_ much."

"I know," she said, tying the streamer to the wall. "Thanks for helping out, Taicho!"

He perked up. "Wait—so I can go?"

"Uh, no," she replied obviously, scoffing. "I have to get you to blow up the balloons and hang them up!"

"How am I supposed to do that when I'm tied up?" he demanded.

"Silly, silly Taicho," she sighed, shaking her head sadly. "And I thought you realized by now."

He groaned loudly. "What now?"

"I have to bake the cake, of course," she said. "Well, see you later!" She stepped down from her ladder and began to make her way to the kitchen.

"W-wait, Matsumoto!" he called. "Stop! Don't-!" He was afraid she was going to blow up the kitchen in the process. But there was another crucial thing that needed to be worried about. "Hold on! I'm still tied to the ceiling. How am I supposed to get down?"

And then it clicked.

_This was all part of her plan._

"I hope you're grateful, Yumichika," Hitsugaya growled. "Because someone's going to get murdered at your party."

Now it was about time he got down.

…

…

Okay, so how was he going to manage that? He could barely _move_. He struggled again and again, but the duct-tape didn't budge. Damn Canadians and their obsessive need to improve their tape to be super durable and sticky.

He went limp after he realized that it was impossible.

There was no way he was getting out.

"Why am I _here_?" he asked for the twentieth time to no one in particular.

* * *

><p>Ikkaku sighed. "It's finally over! Good Lord, that was horrible."<p>

"That was completely marvelous!" Yumichika exclaimed, his eyes still shining. Renji wondered how one person could do that for so long. "Such magnificent beauty! I have never seen anything like it. But I am the more beautiful, am I not?"

"Sure…?" Ikkaku said indifferently.

"Oh, this is the best birthday EVER!"

"Yeah," Renji said non-committedly. "Happy birthday," he added sarcastically.

"All righty, ladies and gents," the announcer said over the microphone. "Thank you for joining us for the first half of the show! We will now showcase the new fashion trend for the fall. Now please welcome our wonderful male models as they display this season's clothing!"

There was clapping, and then there was groaning from the only two straight people in the audience.

Yumichika giggled excitedly.

Ikkaku dug himself deeper into his chair, covering his eyes. Renji did the same beside him.

"How the fuck did we get into this mess?" he asked his friend.

"I don't know," Renji cried. "But I do know that we have to get out of here as soon as possible." He threw his head from side to side, half expecting someone to pop out of nowhere and then proceed to tell the world of his and Ikkaku's whereabouts.

"Someone's going to get murdered," Ikkaku said darkly. "And I think I know who."

It was then an understanding passed between the two Shinigami. It was so full of determination, that it was scary.

"I hope you're grateful, Yumichika," Ikkaku growled. "Because there will be bloodshed tonight."

Yumichika continued to sparkle like nothing happened.

* * *

><p>During all that was happening, Rukia and Ukitake refused to acknowledge everything else and sat, drinking tea in the underground training room.<p>

"I hope Yumichika has a nice birthday," Rukia said, sipping from her cup.

"I agree," Juushiro said. "The party is going to be great."

"I hope nothing bad happened," the young girl said, frowning worriedly.

"Oh," Juushiro laughed, giving a careless wave of his hand. "Nothing's happening. Trust me."

There was some shouting from upstairs. Then banging. Then cursing from a certain white-haired midget. And then there was Hyorinmaru being released as Hitsugaya finally got out of his gigai, which was still strapped to the ceiling of the house.

"Hm. Nothing at all," Rukia agreed.

* * *

><p><strong>END.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>(A.N.): If you don't know, Yumichika's birthday is on September 19. In other words, I could've done someone else's birthday, but the opportunity was there! And I took it. =) Oh, poor Hitsugaya. Poor Ikkaku. Poor Renji. They're all scarred. Did I do okay? It is my first story, after all.<strong>

**But anyway, that was fun to write. Reviews are appreciated! (^_^)**


	2. Murder Party

**Due to a request, this one-shot is back for a two-shot. Is that a term on FF? Whatever. I hope you find it just as enjoyable as the first installment.**

**P.S. Please excuse Hitsugaya's and many other characters' OOCness. I was on crack when I wrote this, and so are they. (Oh COME ON. I know I mentioned this in the first part. IT'S A FREAKIN' CRACKFIC.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Or duct tape. **

* * *

><p>"MATSUMOTO, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Hitsugaya roared, slicing the duct tape away from his gigai with his sword.<p>

The gigai fell to the ground like a lifeless ragdoll. Hitsugaya grimaced. He was going to re-enter it with lots of pain and aches. Falling off the ceiling at a ten feet drop _had_ to have hurt.

He dashed off, in search of his lieutenant, his Zanpakuto precariously held in his hand. He managed to nick the walls a couple of times, chipping off the paint.

Hitsugaya burst through the kitchen and found Matsumoto staring back, a spoon in her mouth. He was panting angrily.

"Can I help you, Taicho?" she asked.

"Help… me…?" he growled. "NO! YOU CAN'T! EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO ME IS NOT HELPING!" He pointed his sword at her. "Prepare to die."

It took Rangiku a few moments to register everything. She threw her spoon at her captain's head and ran out of the kitchen via a door that Hitsugaya didn't even know _existed._

"Get back here!" he yelled, running after her.

He was too mad to realize he could have used Shunpo to catch up with her, but then this chase scene wouldn't be very exciting.

"Help meeeee!" Rangiku wailed, throwing her hands up in the air.

Hitsugaya sent an ice dragon flying at her. She managed to dodge at the last second, and the dragon head plowed right through the wall.

"I am NOT paying for that!" he yelled. He ran through the hole his ice dragon had made, and continued chasing Rangiku.

"That's not fair!" the blonde whined. "I don't get to destroy walls and make new short cuts!"

"Did I just hear that word?" Hitsugaya demanded. "Who's the super-midget!"

He sent another dragon in her direction. She dodged at the last second, and the dragon hit the roof, freezing it. Ice continued to spread like wildfire.

"I didn't call you short!" Rangiku screamed desperately. "I said _short cuts_!"

"I told you not to say that word!" Hitsugaya said. He continued to destroy the house, from the inside out. But the damage wasn't even that bad, because the ice prevented everything from moving. It even filled in the holes in the walls/ceiling/doors.

"Don't kill me!" Rangiku begged.

Hitsugaya laughed maniacally. "Ho-ho. It's too late for that."

She screamed her lungs out as her tiny captain continued to pursue her through the house. She skidded and turned a corner just as Hitsugaya came flying at her, sword aiming for her head.

His sword actually stabbed the wall and sunk a few feet in, merging at the other side. Let's just say the elderly neighbour fainted.

He yanked his sword out and continued to chase her.

"Too many times you've pissed me off, Matsumoto!" he growled. "Well, not anymore. After today, I wouldn't have to deal with you anymore. Let's see what Soutaicho does about it!"

"He wouldn't!" she protested.

He laughed evilly again. "Don't be so sure about that. Do you know how many complaints he gets with all the sake bills that pile up on his desk?"

"That's supposed to go to yours!" she complained.

Hitsugaya slashed Hyorinmaru at her, but she leaped into the basement which is, AKA, the underground training facility that Ukitake and Rukia were in, pretending that nothing was going on.

"Nope," he said. "Because you see, Matsumoto, the bills came from the _bars_ themselves, asking to pay for the damages. It's out of my hands because, technically, I don't own the bars in Seireitei, and since Soutaicho is the highest power there besides the Central 46—and since Central 46 sort of got massacred, don't forget completely OWNED, and currently only have 12 positions filled"—he took a deep breath"—well, let's just say Soutaicho's not happy."

Rangiku let out a sound that seemed like an abomination between a whimper and a blood-curdling shriek, and ran across the barren desert that was the basement.

Hitsugaya continued to trail behind her, hot on her heels.

"Just leave me alone!" she shouted.

"No!" he shot back.

At least he didn't have to worry about destroying anything now. This place was _made_ for it.

Halfway into the training facility, Hitsugaya came across Ukitake and Rukia, sitting at a table behind a giant boulder.

He stared at them.

Ukitake's eyes widened and he dropped his tea cup.

Rukia's mouth hung open.

Hitsugaya inclined his head. "Ukitake. Kuchiki."

He ran off, still screaming bloody murder at Rangiku, who was now very far away.

"That was…" Ukitake started, trying to find the right word.

"Strange," Rukia finished. "What just happened?"

Ukitake had picked up his tea cup again and took a sip from it. Surprisingly, not a drop spilled at all. "Who said anything happened?" he said sanely. "I told you that nothing was happening, didn't I? And it still is. Nothing's happening."

"Wait…" Rukia was confused. "When you say nothing's happening, and then you say it is, are you implying that something _is_ happening?"

"Who said that?"

Rukia blinked a couple of times. "You did."

Ukitake drank some more tea, still sane, contrary to what just happened with Hitsugaya and Rangiku. "No, I didn't. Nothing happened."

Rukia reached for a cookie warily. If her captain said that nothing was going on, she should go along with it. After all, if one believed that nothing was happening, then nothing was happening.

"Okay. I wonder if the house is decorated yet. It must look great!"

"Totally not iced over or anything," Ukitake nodded, very much sane.

* * *

><p>It was later after the fashion show was over did Yumichika, Ikkaku and Renji finally go home. The two men hung their heads low as they were mentally scarred for life. Yumichika, on the other hand, glowed and bounced with happiness.<p>

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he kept singing to his comrades. "This is the best present ever!"

"Yeah," Ikkaku said ruefully.

"You're welcome," Renji replied glumly.

When they reached the house, they tentatively opened the door and stepped through to the living room.

They certainly did not expect this.

Every inch of the house was covered in ice and frost. Icicles hung from the balloons and streamers. There were millions of holes in the walls, in the ceiling, through the doors, but guess what?—they were filled with ice! There was even a live statue of Yumichika made from ice that covered the previous one made out of gold.

Overall, it looked like an artic warzone.

"What the hell?" Ikkaku said which pretty much summed up everyone's thoughts.

Then Rangiku came running through the kitchen door and stopped in front of the men. She stared.

They stared back.

"Happy birthday!" she exclaimed, spreading her arms. "Surprise! This is your party! Do you like it?"

Before Yumichika could answer (if he could; he was staring dumbly at everything), Hitsugaya came running through the kitchen and poised Hyorinmaru ready to cut Rangiku's head off.

Then he spotted the three men, and stopped. He stared.

They stared back.

He sheathed his sword, and stood back. "Surprise," he said in a dead tone. "Happy birthday."

"No, no," Ikkaku said, voice unnaturally high. "Do go on. I was enjoying the bit where you were about to murder Matsumoto."

"WHAT?" Rangiku shrieked.

"Yeah," Renji agreed. "Do you mind if we help you?"

Hitsugaya sighed. "Not at all. But… as much as that will make me happy, today is not the day to do it. It's Yumichika's birthday. We should be celebrating it."

"Yeah, yeah," Rangiku said hurriedly. "Listen to the kid."

He tilted his head to the side. "Maybe tomorrow, gents?"

"WHAT?" Matsumoto shrieked again.

Ikkaku and Renji both had evil smirks on their faces, their eyes abnormally dark. "You bet."

It was then Ukitake and Rukia decided to make their entrance. They came through the basement and entered the living room, surprise written all over their faces. They looked like they had no idea what was going on.

In truth, they didn't.

Or so they wanted everyone else to think.

"What happened to the party?" Rukia asked dully.

"This is the party!" Rangiku said, trying to make the moment happy. All she did was sound sarcastic.

"Oh." Rukia's face lit up. "Surprise! Happy birthday, Yumichika!"

"Yes," Ukitake nodded. "Happy birthday, Ayasegawa-san."

Yumichika was still staring dumbly at everything.

Hitsugaya looked sheepish, trying to inch away from the birthday guy. "Uh… Sorry about all this." He gestured to the ice covered—well, everything. "I sort of got caught up in trying to murder Matsumoto. At least everything's still intact… for now."

Rukia went forward, eyes wide, mouth gaping, and poked Yumichika in his face. "Huh. I think you've killed him."

Hitsugaya shrugged. "He'll snap out of it. We've got time. Hyorinmaru's ice doesn't melt unless I tell it to."

"To think he might have said something about now," Renji said. "Things are getting quite awkward."

"Where's the cake?" Ikkaku unexpectedly asked.

"Oh!" Rangiku remembered. "It's about ready. I've still got to ice it. Who wants to help?"

"I will!" Rukia announced.

The two girls headed off for the kitchen.

Yumichika still stared dumbly at everything.

"Just so you know," Hitsugaya put in (not) helpfully, "it took a lot of effort for me to ice everything. Do you know how long it took for me to catch Matsumoto? Now that I mentioned it, I still haven't."

"Just so you know," Ikkaku said, seeing as it was okay to spill his feelings because Yumichika couldn't seem to hear _anything_, "Renji and I didn't give a rat's ass about your stupid fashion show. We went because we needed to distract you so Rangiku—and Hitsugaya-Taicho, I guess—could set up the party."

"Boy that was torture," Renji supplied.

Seconds ticked by without a reaction. They thought Yumichika was actually dead.

Then Yumichika turned to them _really_ slowly. "You. Said. WHAT?" the Bishonen demanded, angrily all of a sudden.

"I thought you were dead," Ikkaku said in defense.

"Well, I am not," the man said, flipping his short cropped hair. "I was merely taking in all of this grand majesty." He gestured to the ice—well, everything.

"Wait," Hitsugaya backtracked. "You _like_ all of this?"

Yumichika nodded. "Why wouldn't I?" He smiled, and closed his eyes. "I wouldn't want to look at decorations that didn't match at all with eachother. How ugly. With your ice, however, everything is just _perfect_."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Hitsugaya replied dumbly. He shrugged. "But anyway. Happy birthday."

"Yeah, man," Ikkaku said, patting Yumichika on the back.

"Don't touch me—"

"Happy birthday," Ikkaku finished, taking his hand back a little awkwardly.

"So everything wasn't for nothing," Renji conceded. "Well. I guess everything played out quite well, didn't it?"

"And it still is," Hitsugaya said, one hand on Hyorinmaru's hilt.

Renji and Ikkaku smiled back at him quite—and I must add—evilly.

"Cake's ready!" Rangiku announced from the other room, coming through the doorway with a huge, layered cake in her hands. Rukia was right after her, sporting a bunch of wisteria coloured candles.

Ikkaku smirked and mixed a bunch of azure ones in with the wisteria to, at least, please Yumichika's Zanpakuto.

Then everyone began singing the birthday song (minus Hitsugaya, who insisted on not participating).

When they were done, Yumichika said, sighing, "This _is_ the best birthday ever. Thanks, you guys."

He blew out the candles.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Did you think that was the end of it?

"Matsumoto," Hitsugaya said.

Rangiku turned to her captain. "Y-yes."

"You're cleaning up."

"Yes, Taicho."

"And paying for all the damages."

"Yes, Taicho."

"And you are to—_NEVER_—mention anything that happened earlier to ANYONE."

"Nothing happened, though," Rukia said.

"Yes, Taicho," Rangiku said, hanging her head in shame.

"No more sake… EVER."

"But Taicho—!"

"MATSUMOTO!"

"Yes, Taicho."

"And you are going to do ALL. MY. PAPERWORK."

Rangiku gave her tiny captain a _who-do-you-think-I-am?_ look. "Okay, Taicho, that is something that I will NOT do."

Hitsugaya ignored her. "And don't—under ANY circumstance—plan another party EVER. AGAIN. Because do you know who's birthday comes next?"

Rangiku was given a minute to think about it.

"That's right," Hitsugaya said. He poked Ikkaku's head with his sheath. "His birthday. And what do you think he'd like for his birthday?"

Rangiku was given another minute to think about it.

"That's right," Hitsugaya said. He unsheathed Hyorinmaru. "He'd like to murder you for his birthday… assuming you live long enough for that. And even if you get reincarnated in the World of the Living, there'd be no guarantee that someone's not going to track you down and murder you—"

The busty blonde let out a shriek. She seemed to be doing that a lot today.

"—but I'm not that mean," Hitsugaya finished, sheathing his sword. "After all, I doubt you'd be stupid enough to plan another party like this. You do know it's not going to work in your favour, right? I suggest you drop it."

Rangiku lowered her hand from her mouth. "But… but you're not really gonna kill me, Taicho? Because… because that wouldn't be right. There's no way you would. I mean you're much too s—"

"Don't say it," Hitsugaya growled before she could finish that INFURIATING WORD, pointing his sword precariously in her face. "And no. I won't."

Rangiku let out a sigh of relief.

"Because I'm going to have help."

Horror creeped into her.

Ikkaku and Renji grinned like a bunch of maniacs.

But they sort of were. Because they were from the 11th division.

Now Rangiku was once again forced to run through the house, screaming for her life. This technically isn't a hyperbole because she really was—screaming for her life.

"Ooh," Yumichika said, munching on a bunch of cake. "Fight. I like a good fight."

Hitsugaya tapped his sword against his leg, ready to Bankai the crap outta the house.

"You don't mind if I destroy your party a little?" he asked casually.

"As long as I see fight," Yumichika replied quickly.

Hitsugaya smirked.

* * *

><p><strong>Heeeeyyy. I got an idea! Why don't I write another one-shot (or possibly two-shot?) for Ikkaku's party? Tell<strong> **me what you think about this idea.**


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